The Cosplays of AmericanNia (Japanimeclarinetist)

Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite and failure. Here I am going on about how much I want to be a social worker and help people in abusive relationships and I’m still trapped in one. I go on about my dad and my last ex but the truth is my brother does it too. I love him so much but he makes fun of me, and when he’s angry he hits me and my mom yells at him “You can’t hit her!” but he does it again and again. I thought “How can I help others if I can’t even help myself?” I told my mom tonight if things don’t change I’m leaving. I don’t know where I’d go but I’ll find somewhere. And then I heard through my door my brother say there’s nothing wrong with what he does.
I mean it though. I will leave if this doesn’t stop. I’ve done nothing to deserve this and I deserve better.

Whenever I tell someone I’m a virgin they’re like “You’re still a virgin? Good for you!” and then give me a pat on the back like I’m some little kid. I’m still a 20 year old woman. Treat me with some respect please.

Anonymous asked: Hello beautiful, I just wanted to let you know that things may be hard right now but they will get better. It's really hard to listen to someone when they say that (trust me, i know) but it's true. It's easy to get caught up in all the negatives and block out the positives in your life but you have to remember why you're here and how amazing life can truly be. There's too much beauty in the world to give up. Someone needs you, I promise. Keep your chin up, love. Things will get better.

Wow, thank you. I guess you read the thing I wrote about the abusive relationships. I’m really touched, thank you. And after I wrote that I was able to see the beauty in my life. I’ve been struggling the last two semesters trying to figure out what major to choose and after I made that post I realized that I am meant to be a social worker. I am here to help people. You are right, people do need me. Maybe I haven’t met them yet but I know now my purpose is to be here and help them. 
Also I just want to add this is the first message I have ever received on tumblr. I’m glad it was this one, that just makes it more special. <3

So I just need to share this. A few weeks ago I stumbled across an article on abusive relationships and it described my life and personality so well. I mean, my dad treated me really badly for years. He constantly yelled at me, called me stupid and a slut when I was only in middle school. I tried telling my mom and brother but they just didn’t care and this was at a time when I didn’t have any friends either. I complained to my Grandma and she listened but she still wanted me to have a relationship with my dad but I wanted nothing to do with him. My Grandma was physically abused by her father, he was an alcoholic and hit her in the face so many times the sinus cavities on one side of her face were completely crushed. She kept telling me it wasn’t as bad as what she went through. 

Was it? Do you know what it’s like to have someone yell at you in your face so violently that their spit is landing on your face and all you can do is cry from the fear that they might hit you? My dad did hit me a few times but mostly what he did was yelling. I mean shouting. When he was mad he just looked so…evil. There were veins popping in his face, his eyes were big, he just had so much rage and directed it all towards me. Why? What did I do? I didn’t understand. I still don’t understand! 
This went on for a long time. My mom got me a psychiatrist, then I entered high school and then I got a therapist after my Grandma passed away. That was a tough time because I had no one to confide in anymore. At least at this point though I had good friends. I really had trouble finding good friends for a long time.

I was really depressed sophomore year and my dad would still get mad at me every weekend when my mom was at work. And then one weekend when he had me driving the truck and he was in the passenger seat I decided that was it and I would take both our lives. Well, I didn’t. That stupid truck didn’t have the speed to go up the grassy hill and hit the fence. But I told my therapist and she told my mom and my mom kicked him out. 

And then I thought it was over. Fast forward a few years, now I live with my mom and brother and my parents are finally divorced. After getting out of an abusive relationship with my last ex I decide to google what an abusive relationship is. That’s when I found out my dad was abusive. I knew he was mean but I never realized he was emotionally abusing me. 

The article I read explained lots of things. One was that people in abusive relationships don’t realize it. I sure didn’t. Another is that emotional abuse is hard to detect because there aren’t any outward signs of it. Sure I was depressed but people just dismiss it as another moody teenager. And then it said people who are abused by their parents often get into more unhealthy relationships because they don’t know what a healthy one is. Well that’s true too, especially with the last relationship I was in. And the most shocking was it described some of my personality. When I make a mistake, I feel really bad and apologize because I just have this huge feeling of guilt. I know everyone makes mistakes but there’s just this idea that when I make them it’s inexcusable. Apparently that’s common for people who have been emotionally abused.

Now you’re probably why I shared this with you tonight. I’ve mentioned before that I was suicidal in the past but I never mentioned why. Well, my dad was emotionally abusive to me. And I never realized it. And I’m sure, no I know there’s probably other teenagers out there like me who are being abused right now and don’t realize it. They think it’s normal for parents to spit in their face and call them a bitch or a slut. It’s not. Do something. Talk to a teacher, tell a friend. Get help. Get out. You didn’t do anything wrong. And you’re not alone and there are people who want to help so please if you are in an abusive relationship or know someone who is get them help. You don’t have to suffer. 

(Source: twelve-jammy-badgers)

Last night I had possibly the greatest dream I’ve ever had. It started out with me being engaged to my best friend’s ex with her sister’s engagement ring. Then the guy I currently like asked me out. So I dumped my fiancé to be with my crush. Things went great with my crush, we got married and had five kids. And even with five kids we still found time to keep the romance alive.
Now you might think its weird I ended my first engagement. Let me explain to you why it’s a good thing. Lately I’ve been settling when it comes to guys because I don’t ask them out. Me dumping this guy in my dream was my subconscious telling me to take control of my love life. The fact that it was my friends ex I think is telling me to go after my dreams, not someone else’s. Things working out with my crush shows I have the power to make good decisions and I got my dream of having five kids. I am content. :)
I don’t care if I’m wrong with what the actual meanings are but that’s what I got out of it and what I believe. It gives me hope and I am happy.

Today is day 2 of Katsucon and I have to say I’m having a blast! I’ve been down here since Thursday and it’s been more fun than I imagined and I already imagined myself having a good time because last year was awesome. Also my birthday was yesterday! I’m now 20 years old.
I think the best way to describe Katsucon is to compare it to Disneyland. I mean you have this list of people you want to meet and you don’t know where they’re going to show up. Then you want to meet up with friends so you’re calling and texting them to try and find them. Lastly all my dreams have been coming true!!
I can’t believe my luck! On Thursday I saw Uxi Cosplay. She is so pretty! I was really shy and awkward though. Then yesterday not only did I see VintageAerith I also saw Starlight Honey and Breathlessaire! I saw Dymatrex Zofur a few times too but I didn’t say hi because he looked busy. I have to say though his Jonathan cosplay came out really great! And Starlight Honey and Breathlessaire are so gorgeous! I admire them so much, I feel so honored I got to talk to them and that I got to talk to them on my birthday! And VintageAerith is such a sweetheart.